How to Know What You Truly Want
What the self-help and manifestation gurus won't tell you
The personal development world has been a beacon of growth and inspiration for me, thanks to the amazing leaders whose insights illuminate many paths to personal success. Yet, I've realised that this field often assumes we already know what we truly desire. Like many, I've faced the challenge of finding inner clarity amidst over-thinking and self-doubt, seeking guidance from various self-help resources. Yet, clarity seemed elusive.
Despite numerous moments of self-reflection, I felt disconnected as if I should have innate knowledge of my deepest desires. This journey taught me that it's perfectly normal to search for this clarity, and that comparing ourselves to others is unproductive. Through patience and persistence, I've uncovered deeper self-understanding, and I'm excited to share some of these insights with you. Hopefully they could spark inspiration for your own path to clarity and fulfillment.
The role of early life experiences
Any business strategist or project manager will tell you that you can’t measure progress unless you know what success looks like. Without a clear destination, there is no way to know if we are headed in the right direction and no guide to reorient ourselves if we steer off course. Apart from an ability to measure progress, individuals without a clear goal may feel a lack of purpose, and may feel confused or frustrated, often without really knowing why. There is another thing that tends to happen to individuals without a goal - they will become an unwitting player in fulfilling someone else’s goal.
Reflecting on this, it is obvious that to live an empowered life that will bring us the satisfaction and passion that we deserve, we all need to define our goals and take consistent steps to get there. But why is it so difficult for some people to be clear about their own goals?
One of the key reasons for a lack of clarity is due to a tendency to disconnect from the self. This can be a consistent pattern of behaviour learnt during childhood that perpetuates well into adulthood. I will explain how such a tendency might develop, but firstly it’s important to understand that as a child, we all had a number of primary needs. Two of these primary needs are 1) a need for love and acceptance, and 2) a need to be authentic, to express our true feelings.
Now, perhaps due to unhealed traumas of their own, a parent or guardian might only express love and acceptance conditionally, as long as the child behaves in a certain way. This particular parent is pleased when the child is being quiet and unobtrusive - such behaviours are rewarded while other behaviours, including chaotic fun and loud laughter, are punished with a mild rejection of some sort. Even a stern look of judgement is enough to make a child feel shame and adjust their behaviour accordingly.
In such a household scenario the child senses that the two primary needs, the need for love/acceptance and the need to be authentic, are in conflict. Sensing this, they will inevitably choose to suppress their authentic self in order to receive love and acceptance, which always trumps the need for authenticity. On top of this, the child begins to internalise a negative self-image. A sense that they are at fault because the way they behave is not good enough. They see themselves as the problem, rather than the parent (the one who is putting up the conditional barriers to love and acceptance!) as the problem.
This self-negation is also an inevitable part of the process though. In order for the child to feel a sense of safety and certainty, which are other essential needs, the child has to believe that their caregiver is infallible. They could not possibly conceive that their parent or guardian is maladapted, transferring their past traumas onto their children and only accepting them conditionally in order to alleviate their own suffering. Over time, as the child learns to disconnect from their own authentic feelings or thoughts, they will continue to develop a sense that they are not good enough, which will further reinforce the subconscious desire to disconnect from themselves (in order to avoid the pain of that feeling).
Such patterns of early experience are sometimes referred to as complex trauma, and can manifest in later life as a tendency to want to please other people at the expense of their own authentic feelings. This happens at a subconscious level, below the level of awareness. Additionally, after years of disconnecting from themselves, such individuals will very likely not have a clear sense of self, a strong personal identity, and therefore will not truly know what they want from life.
I believe these sorts of complex traumas are much more prevalent than most people realise. They can arise out of a range of early life scenarios on a spectrum of severity from mild to extreme, which can include abuse, neglect, parental alcoholism, a stressful family life, busy parents with lots of siblings to attend to, absent fathers, and many other circumstances.
How to get clear about what you want
The good news is that it is definitely possible to regain a clearer sense of self, and therefore a clearer sense of what it is that you truly want deep down inside. There are some pitfalls to be aware of on the way though, namely different flavours of self-deception. But with some concerted lifestyle changes it is possible to live more in alignment with your true, authentic self. There are three key pillars that need to be worked on, which can be boiled down to: 1) self-knowledge, 2) self-acceptance, 3) understanding the value you bring to others.
Know Thyself
Let’s start with self-knowledge. ‘Gnothi Seauton’, translated into English as ‘Know Thyself’, was inscribed above the entrance to the temple of Apollo at Delphi dating back to the 7th century BC. Sacred rituals took place here that were regarded as a means of gaining direct personal knowledge and advice from Apollo, the ancient Greek god of truth, knowledge, prophecy, healing, and many other things. Socrates also famously quoted the maxim, and Plato also encouraged self-knowledge as an essential part of personal growth.
Ancient Greek aside, the basic notion that self-awareness and introspection are necessary prerequisites for those seeking wisdom and spiritual enlightenment are echoed across many other ancient philosophies, including Buddhism, Hinduism, Confucianism, and Hermeticism. And in modern times the prevalence of talking therapies, heavily influenced by the likes of Freud and Jung, also see self-knowledge as a path to personal healing and liberation.
But how do we actually go about seeking self-knowledge? There are many different approaches and methods, some more suited to certain people or lifestyles than others, but generally some sort of meditative or reflective practice is essential. A daily mindfulness meditation, even just 15-minutes, when consistently practised over the course of a few weeks will begin to cultivate a sense of self-awareness that wasn’t there before. One of the superpowers that this increased self-awareness brings is the ability to behave more consciously and deliberately. The mental space that this practice begins to open up is liberating. You begin to notice that you can now catch yourself as you launch into auto-pilot reactivity and rage. Occasionally your awareness is slightly ahead of your unconscious reactions, so you have the option of choosing a more conscious and functional response instead.
A deliberate practice of self-reflection is also essential. This can take many forms, and can include journaling, talking therapies, or support groups. It can also include taking personality or psychometric tests, and simply asking people about how they perceive you - your qualities, your strengths and weaknesses. It can even include a full life audit, where you methodologically analyse your life story in order to gain valuable insights.
Whatever form the personal self-reflection takes, it’s essential to be courageous and try to learn from the most uncomfortable areas of your life. These are the tortured conflicts, the places where you feel the most shame, the things that you’re ordinarily used to burying deep inside or running away from or brushing underneath the carpet. These areas of conflict and discomfort are where the nuggets of gold can be mined. Beware though that mining in these dark corners can be a very slippery process, as there are the aspects of ourselves that we are ordinarily blind to. Our ego-consciousness intentionally blinds us from these aspects in order to maintain a certain self-image or identity which provides us with a sense of consistency and security. These hidden aspects are what Jung referred to as ‘the shadow’, and the process of revealing and acknowledging these aspects is often referred to as ‘shadow work’. Shadow work is intrinsically very susceptible to self deception and I have found journaling to be an indispensable practice in trying to reveal some of these self deceptions.
Gaining knowledge of the shadow is not like gaining knowledge of other elements of the self. These are the parts of yourself that are very cunningly hidden and obscured by your ego. Their very nature means that you are not able to sense them in the same way as you can sense other parts of yourself. You can stalk them, however. You can sneak up on them and triangulate them through a process of self-probing by asking questions about them and writing down possible answers and reflecting on those.
Start by recording and writing about all the parts of your life in which you feel pain, frustration, where repeated dysfunctional patterns of behaviour occur, and then ask yourself simple, honest questions about the reasons for these. Some good questions include: ‘what painful thoughts or feelings is my ego trying to protect me from?’, ‘what purpose does this serve?’, ‘what are the benefits to these behaviours?’. Be courageous and hypothesise potential answers until you zoom in further. Remember that the truth might not be obvious as you are accustomed to avoiding this truth, so a process of elimination is often very helpful.
As well as gaining knowledge of the shadow, insight can also be gained by thinking about the peak moments of your life. What were the happiest, most exciting, most blissful times of your life? What were you doing? Who were you with? What was it about those specific moments that made them so good? What feelings or actions did they facilitate and allow to blossom? Why was it so impactful to you that those particular feelings or actions were allowed to blossom? Asking these kinds of questions, from the superficial and then digging down further and further can help to reveal some of the deepest parts of your being.
Accept Thyself
Once a certain level of self-awareness has been gained through a consistent ongoing practice, the next part of the puzzle is unconditional self-compassion and acceptance. This was a lesson very hard won for me on my personal journey. Growing up through my teens and all the way into early adulthood, I was frequently anxious or angry and regularly frustrated or confused as I blindly stumbled my way through a tumultuous swirl of emotions. The confusion and frustration arose as I didn’t really understand why I often felt anxious and angry. After a lengthy course of psychotherapy on top of my mindfulness practice, I slowly began to realise that I had been deeply affected by a very common human wound; A deep-seated sense that I was simply not good enough.
I have learnt that giving energy to the negative self-judgments can keep those dysfunctional patterns in place, keeping us locked in a repeating cycle that only reinforces the feelings of inferiority and shame. Love is the way to transcend and rise up out of that cycle. But you can only begin to love yourself when you understand that you are worthy of love. And you are more than worthy. The universe, in its infinite wisdom, has chosen this unique moment to express itself through you. There has never been a being exactly like you before. Your complexion, your hair, your thoughts and experiences. You are utterly unique and special. Who are you to reject what the universe has deemed worthy of bringing into existence? You are a differentiated fractal of source consciousness, connected in ways we cannot fathom to an infinite cosmic tapestry. Your time here on earth means something. By simply being here right now your lifespan nourishes the collective, and you will take lessons with you from this lifetime that will be integrated into a higher form of consciousness after you pass away. This is what I have come to believe since I have tasted the truth of these words during peak experiences.
Despite having learnt this, it is not a truth that I can feel at all times, and so it is still a constant challenge to remember to accept myself. The key is that the acceptance has to be total and unconditional. Recognise that even the darkest and most shameful parts of you that you want to keep hidden are there for a reason, serving a purpose. It’s okay that you have deep and dark recesses. This is part of what it means to be a balanced human being. But beware of a little slippery fish that can try to escape between your fingers. This is the resistance just below the surface - the part of you that resists total self-acceptance. Try to avoid judging that part of yourself. Show kindness to yourself and accept that which is not willing to accept. This part is a key to unconditional self-acceptance.
Another element of self-acceptance is gratitude. This is expressing or feeling gratitude for all that we have. For all the external things in our lives as well, the relationships, job, family, housing, for the food that we eat and the air that we breathe. I am far from perfect in this respect, and often fall into negative cycles where I can find myself resisting what ‘is’. What I have learnt is that a rejection of my circumstances is ultimately a rejection of myself. I am ultimately responsible for where I am and what I have. Through my past choices, and where I have focused my energies, I have co-created the circumstances I now find myself in.
If there is pain in a particular part of your life, there is a lesson there waiting to be learnt. Pain and discomfort are teachers. We can all choose to live a more enlightened state of being by acknowledging the hidden wisdom waiting to be revealed in every moment, and approaching our circumstances with compassion and curiosity.
Recognise the Value that You Hold for Others
The next piece of the puzzle is in realising the ability you have to benefit the collective. People need what you can provide, whether that’s on a small scale - being kind and charitable with your time towards your loved ones or on a much grander scale, creating experiences or generating content that will touch the lives of thousands of people, or anything in between.
One thing that I have come to realise is that it doesn’t take much to have a far reaching impact. A simple act of kindness can change the whole course of history via a cascade of events that would not have transpired without it. When you extrapolate the ripple effects out across generations, a small gesture towards a single person can consequently influence the lives of hundreds of people.
Through your very unique set of experiences, circumstances, and personality, you have a distinct perspective and set of skills that you can utilise to nourish the lives of others. The world is far too full of people acting out of fear, insecurity, and a sense of scarcity. Your alignment with your authentic self is positively contagious. By knowing who you are on the inside and expressing those traits in your external environment you radiate an infectious energy that sparks inspiration in others. People need this inspiration. Conversely, by avoiding or neglecting the expression of your own alignment, you are withholding this nourishment from others. This is not meant to sound judgmental, but an encouragement to nurture this part of yourself so that, over time, you will be ready and willing to express it.
In Summary…
It’s incredibly important to have a defined goal or vision to work towards, and if you don’t define a goal for yourself then someone else will define one for you, incorporating you as a pawn in their own game. While the self-help/ personal development/ manifestation section of the library may have a lot to offer, there is a gap in the literature aimed at helping people figure out exactly what they want in the first place.
If you are unclear about what you really want out of life, know that it is possible to gain a better understanding of yourself. This lack of clarity is not something to be ashamed of. It’s a normal state of being for many people. Ultimately, this feeling is caused by a disconnection with our core selves, and there are a wide range of reasons why this disconnection emerges. It often has its roots in early childhood, where certain influences led to the child learning to turn down the volume of their authentic inner-voice. In later life, it’s possible to appreciate that clever adaptation as the ego’s coping mechanism for avoiding rejection and ensuring a sense of safety. Be thankful for the ingenuity of your younger self and understand that with patience, self-compassion and curiosity, you can begin to gain the clarity that you seek.
Respect the journey and understand that every step is an essential part of the process to awakening your life’s vision. Also know that it's okay if your vision changes. We're all evolving and changing all the time, so it’s only natural that our goals change throughout the course of our lives. There will be struggles, hardships and pain along the way and they are the most valuable of teachers, if only you are open enough, brave enough, and curious enough to listen to what they have to teach you.
